An Undisciplined Rant

A word puke by Matt Brousseau

I love simulators. Not androids or fleshlights or divers, but video games posing as “life” simulators; games like Sim City, Football Manager, and The Sims. There’s a strong sense of god-like control which really gets my endorphins revving. (That line can also be used when picking up women: “Damn girl, you got my endorphins blowing up.... Mmmmmhmmmm” [Then lick lips and nod head]. … Yes, I’m single. Why do you ask?). And seeing how, according that book people always forget at hotels, we’re made in God’s image I find it easy to believe he’s a drug addled control freak with a penchant for overreacting to boredom. Sometimes you build a great city and everything is going well. Then sometimes you fucking obliterate it with a “natural” disaster just to see what happens.

Thankfully, for that god, some of their more ardent (aka “dickish”) followers conveniently blame crazy weather on gay people rather than him. We’re all made in his image. Except for people I don’t like. And women. God’s obviously a dude and definitely not cross-gender. I can only imagine what we’re going to blame natural disasters on once we finally accept homosexuals. So, I will imagine: Illegal immigrants. Trannys. Whoever left those legos on the floor. Russia. The cook of this unsatisfying burrito. Science believers. The cook of this satisfying, but diarrhea-inducing burrito. White minorities. The fiscal cliff. Public Broadcasting. The heterosexual liberal elite (aka The Media). Fuck it. Let me graph this shit:

Where was I? Graphing tends to get me off topic. Right, simulation. These games appeal to me because I’m constantly thinking in “what if?” questions. This can be helpful when I’m trying to write jokes. And it can be incredibly distressing when I’m on a date. Thankfully, I don’t go on many dates. As someone in the image of God, I prefer to randomly pick married women and impregnate them without their knowledge. I assume God too has social anxiety disorder.

Anyway, “what if” questions. For example, sometimes when I’m waiting for the subway or a bus I’ll wonder “what would happen if I or someone fell in front of this large high-speed public projectile?” Thanks to human nature and the internet I now know the answer for this. Yet, it’s never truly real until I see it right in front of me. I don’t say that just because I need issues to talk about with my therapist. Seeing isn’t believing, but it certainly helps (though not always in court). Obviously, I still believe Earth is flat because I have never seen the curve. And obviously I believe in God. I've seen him in that book. And the only people who would lie in a book are scientists.

Now, naturally, these simulators attempt to be as realistic as possible. As they become more complex they should further blur the line between virtual and real. In The Sims, if you've ever wondered what it would take to crush someone’s spirit, you can just build a wall encircling, er ensquaring, some random humanoid and watch them cry, shit, and starve to death. Truly despotic, but damn good entertainment; like any thorough autocracy. The next game evolution will be the ability to take your God-complex into the real world. In the future Sims, when you’re building that brick wall, the game should link to the availability and prices of bricks at your local construction warehouse. Then it should scan your Facebook friends to see who is posting the loneliest updates. I don’t mean to say that you should build a fun-size dungeon to “solve” your friend’s depression. Also, I’m not familiar with brick-laying. That should be enough for plausible deniability.

What originally gave me the idea for this post is Football Manager. Which is about football. The game where the players use their feet. They use their feet to kick the ball. (Arguably, it’s harder to kick the ball with your hands). They use a ball, a round ball, not a spheroid. I mean, fuck, America has a hell of a problem describing objects:
“How far away are you?”
“Fifteen feet.”
“How far is that?”
“How big are your feet?”
“Ten inches.”
“So, it’s like more than fifteen of your feet.”
“How far is that?”
“About eight normal steps.”
“And how big is your house?”
“I can fit a small plane inside of it.”
“How small?”
“About the size of a studio apartment.”
“New York or Chicago?” ... And so on.

Dammit. I’m really putting “undisciplined” and “rant” into this Undisciplined Rant. What if Earth is just a virtual simulator to see who qualifies for Heaven? Or what if God is just a sub-virtual simulation created to give half a country an excuse to reduce the availability of contraception control and to murder doctors. No way could that one be true. It definitely would have been in that book everyone keeps forgetting at hotels.